i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
