Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
