I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
