dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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