I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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