You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
