My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
