I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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