Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
