She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
