My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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