I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
