Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
