did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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