i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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