I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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