A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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