Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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