My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
