good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
