dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
