Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
