I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
