if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
