how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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