I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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