I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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