we have pet lesbian snakes
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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