You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
there's paper in my vomit.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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