respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
