I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
