Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
