were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
