please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
