I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
