that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
