Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
