when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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