he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
