I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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