I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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