i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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