This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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