my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
