So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
