I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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