I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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