Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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