I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
