I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
