he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
