My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
