Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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