I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My liver just broke up with me...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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