Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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